Changing me

I can only explain the last few weeks as being a total write off.

Staying positive and focussed on my ultimate goal has been difficult.

That devil has sat on my shoulder, telling me how hopeless I am, how I have always been fat, how I will never change. The damage to my knee is getting better, but everything is so slow in healing. I am allowed to build up slowly on the exercise again, but it is frustrating.

There is an angel on the other shoulder, telling me how far I have come. How despite caving into the devil's temptations, I have only put on 2Ib of the weight I have lost. How amazing I have been that despite not being able to exercise, I have kept that weight off by just watching what I was eating.

At the weekend, I bought a dress, a size 14. At the beginning of the year I would have bought the same dress in a size 18. That is how far I have come.

Still that devil whispers in my ear, still I struggle daily in resisting temptation. Yesterday I failed. Yesterday chocolate and crisps were the mainstay of my diet. I overloaded.

'See a failure,' he whispers to me as I stare at myself in the mirror, my bulging stomach testimony to my gluttonous feelings.

Our dog is loving the extra walks he is getting, the attention since his brother went to Rainbow bridge. My only form of exercise. I can build up slowly. I can get back on track.

I am going to ignore that devil, and his evil intentions. Today is a new day, a fresh start, a walk in the park with the dog after work, 10 mins on the exercise bike before doing my leg strengthening exercises and back to writing my food diary and tracking what I eat.

Today I am back. I will win.

So what can I tell you?

Well I am 20lbs lighter that I was on the first of January.

I have also lost a total of 25 inches.

Diet Healthy Eating I have kept to, my portion sizes are getting smaller, which is better still. However I am still unable to exercise, seeing the physiotherapist once a week for an intensive session and doing my physio exercises at home.

Still down about this though!

Now have a cold, feel dreadful, keeping beechams going at the moment!

So that is it really, no further developments, although I am walking better so hoping that it won't be long before I can get back to exercising again!

Hugs xx

Thank you for the responses to my last post. I have seen the physio and it wasn't great news.

What should have happened at the hospital when I went to A&E:
1. full medical taken
2. Leg should have been examined
3. xrays or a scan should have been done
4. I should have been told to stay off leg, been signed off work, given crutches.
5. If after a week no improvement, seen my doctor to be signed off for another week.
6. Offered physiotherapy once swelling had gone down.

What actually happened:

1. Cursory medical taken, i.e. are you on medication? Does anyone in your family have arthritis?
2. Leg is examined by hand
3. Told to take painkillers and keep moving.
4. Told that I could have arthritis and if swelling doesn't go down then to see my own doctor.
5. Sent on merry way with a leaflet about exercise.

So I came home, elevated my leg, took some painkillers, read the leaflet, then did some research on the internet. Due to the fact that trying to get an appointment with the doctor is nigh on impossible, if you want one within the week, I decided that I wasn't going to muck around just see a physiotherapist straight away knowing that last time I saw a doctor about my other leg, it took 6 months before I got a referral to see the physio at the hospital. I wasn't prepared to wait that long.

A few people recommended a physiotherapist and he managed to get me an appointment for after work today. I explained what had happened where he examined me and told me that yes I have in fact torn my Medial Collateral Ligament. He took a full medical history, he listened to my concerns, examined my knee well, saw that I had limited movement and was disgusted at my treatment at the hospital. It was him that informed me what should have been done when I went to A&E. He was not impressed, especially as I could have, though hopefully not, done more damage. I did however do all the right things, in that I iced my knee, took ibuprofen and elevated it, and kept off it over the weekend, wearing a brace on it when I was at work, so hopefully any damage I have done is minimal.

So I am not allowed to do any cardio exercise for the foreseeable future (damm). I have some knee exercises that I have to do three times a day, extensive physio sessions booked in once a week, in the hope that we can strengthen the ligament and the muscles around the knee and prevent my knee from locking. If this doesn't work then I face the possibility of having keyhole surgery performed on my knee.

To say I am angry, fed up, frustrated, is an understatement.

At least I know that seeing the physio was the right thing to do!!

I have started this post so many times over the last few weeks, then deleted it again.

The last couple of weeks have been difficult. First bad news about a friend that knocked me for six, then problems of my own. Determination to keep my food diary going has gone by the wayside, and although I have logged on and read posts, I have been unable to comment, so my apologies for my neglect.

A few weeks back, while hubby and I were away, my knee cap locked a couple of times, although it unlocked pretty quickly. I didn't think much of it as this has been happening on and off all my life, so it is something I am pretty much used to and not too concerned about. There can be pain, though for the most part it is quite painless, or I have a high pain threshold!

Then last Friday it got worse. I woke up and went to get out of bed to get ready for work, when I found that I couldn't put my foot to the ground at all, the pain was unbearable and it was clear that my knee had locked in the night. It took a while, about half and hour, before I was able to walk on that leg and it hurt. By this time it had unlocked, but I wasn't happy with how my knee cap looked, in fact it did look a little displaced, almost like it had slipped out to one side.

I know from experience that walking around, normally, usually helps to get that particular joint working again and so I did that, then got my son out of bed to take me to work, convinced that if i keep moving, my knee would get better and the pain would ease.

How stupid can I be.

By 11am I was in pain, my knee cap was swollen, I couldn't put any weight on that leg at all, as it felt as though my knee cap wouldn't hole me up. I was very painful.

My son picked me up from work and took me straight to A&E where I was taken to a consultation room. the female doctor there, looked at my leg, pushed my knee cap causing me to yelp, moved my leg up and down, ran her finger down my leg asking me if I could feel it, which I could, then asked me to bend it. She then said "oh you have torn the ligaments in the kneecap, take ibuprofen, and keep moving". She then asked me what I did for a living and once I had told her dismissed me telling me if it got worse I should see my doctor. Hmmm trying to get an appointment is something short of a miracle unless I am already dead.

So home I come, ice my knee, elevate it, then research torn ligaments, where almost most of the websites tell me this can only be diagnosed once a scan has been performed, something which wasn't done. Also most sporting situations, mainly contact sports, can cause torn ligaments, something which I do not do.

I sat and cried. I spent most of the weekend in pain and tears. The swelling didn't go down until yesterday and I have been unable to walk properly in over a week. I have tried to keep to my healthy eating plan but have felt totally lost not doing the exercise, something I have to do in order to lose weight. So yes I have been feeling pretty low about it all.

I still have no idea what has caused this. My knee is still tender, even if the swelling is less. I am not a happy person at all. I have, however, been recommended a physiotherapist, who has agreed to see me tomorrow, so I am hoping that I find some answers to my condition and that he is able to help me get back into the exercising again.

So that is me and where I am at right now. I know it isn't as serious as some are going through, but for me it is a big deal especially when I was doing so well. It is just a set back, but to me it feels a little more than that.

Silly I know!

Thank you for your comments on my previous post. I wont say on here what went on, it was bad news, I went to pieces, but thinking about it, I have decided to just draw under what was a bad day, shake myself down and keep going.

So yesterday started well with porridge and a banana for breakfast with a cup of tea. A good chat with hubby before he went to work helped me to put things in perspective and to keep going.

Work was work, drank a pint of water, had lunch of Philadelphia and cucumber sandwich with pineapple and blueberries and a few grapes and a cup of tea.

After work came home and did 12k on the exercise bike before having chicken in red wine sauce with braised red cabbage and carrots. Drank another pint of water.

In a couple of weeks time, we are having a mad hatters tea party at work, so I purchased a blue Victorian tea dress so that I could go as Alice - most of the Alice dresses on the internet are far too short for work and this seemed like the best option. Knowing fancy dress usually come up small in sizes I was a bit dubious this would fit, but it arrived yesterday and it fits perfectly.n It is a little big on the neckline but it looks good on.

Right better get ready to head off to work! Have a good day x

Quite simply there isn't one!

Today has been written off!

Not because I have overeaten, if only it was that simple.

No just having a bad, confusing, difficult day!

Normal service should resume tomorrow hopefully!!

Hugs x

I so did not want to get up this morning! I hate that alarm!!

Breakfast was porridge with banana and a cup of tea.

Lunch was a philadelphia cheese spread and cucumber sandwich, with pineappple, blueberries and grapes. Drank another cup of tea.

I had a pint of water before heading to the gym, where I did 20 minutes on the exercise bike, 10 minutes on the rowing machines, and various arm and leg exercises on the weight machines 2 x 20reps on each of the machines. Wanted to do more but the gym was very busy and I needed to get home for dinner, as I had left work late! Drank a bottle of water while I was there as well.

Dinner was beef casserole with dumplings, which I had cooking away in the slow cooker. Drank another pint of water with this.

I can say the cravings have gone, feeling almost human again

Hormones are nasty, when you are a woman. There you are, living life in your own little bubble, completely in control, when suddenly a craving hits you! You feel upset for no apparent reason, people irritate you, where before you would happily ignore them, chocolate keeps calling your name and that little devil inside your head, tells you that you can eat, it won't hurt!

It will though, the guilt kicks in and before you know it, you are this insane woman, who cries at something stupid on the telly, shouts and screams at the children and eats the entire contents of the fridge.

Not that I did, but boy did I want to!!

It started with a normal breakfast, porridge with some blueberries, with a cup of tea, followed by another cup of tea, which was followed by yet another cup of tea. Why three cups, I hear you ask? Well there I was, eating my breakfast, when I have a phonecall, so of course you sit chatting away on the phone and you need tea, which is preferable to a glass of wine!

An hour and a half later, the cravings kick in! The Maltesers box, which is still unopened, is calling my name, the toblerone, again unopened, is shouting my name, I want cheese, I want chocolate digestives!

I settle on some carrot sticks, some runner beans and a pita bread with hummous instead, put on the telly and watch some inane film, who's name I forget, but manage to blub most of my way through!!

Decide this is not going to do me much good so get on the exercise bike, with my pint of water, and do 13k. Feeling a little better watch another film, all the while ignoring the 'eat me', and 'drink me' calls of the contents of the fridge and wine rack!!

Dinner, was sausage and pasta in tomato sauce, a satisfying and filling dish, though those cravings for chocolate are getting ever stronger! I still hold out though!!

Drink another pint of water, when hubby phones from the pub as he wants me to pick him up! He gets me a small glass of wine when I arrive, I can cope with that, and I even refuse the crisps that are offered by his friend, ignoring that devil that has manifested itself onto my shoulder shouting "Why not! it won't hurt!!"

Came home and got ready for bed so glad the day is over and normality reigns again!!

Up early to go into town, and after doing our bits and pieces stopped off for breakfast, consisting of two fried eggs, 1 sausage, beans, grilled tomatoes, grilled mushrooms and fries, with a milky coffee - my one vice when I am out at this particular cafe!

Wandered around town and tried a couple of dresses on in Monsoon - one was really nice but I couldn't get the zip done up but I did go a size lower than normal because the dress in my size was too big in the bust. The other dress fitted well though it was clingy so it showed my large tummy bumps, so didn't buy either in the end! What I can say is looking at myself in the mirror when I tried on, the most noticeable thing was that I have a waist!! It has a natural dip so I am very chuffed by that!

After food shopping, where of course I ended up buying new exercise gear as mine are now getting too big, came home to a lovely cup of tea and a banana, before changing and heading out with eldest son to the gym.

So the gym opened on Wednesday, today is Saturday and we were expecting it to be really busy! It wasn't. Don't get me wrong there was a steady flow of people, but it was nice that there were plenty of machines that could still be used. Also, despite the amount of skinny women there, I didn't feel out of place or fat, even if I still have a fair amount to lose!
We did a good exercise session: 15 minutes on the bike, 20 minutes walk/run on the treadmill, 10 minutes on the rowing machine. Then off to do 2x10 reps on various machines for the abs, arms and legs, before stretching out and coming home. We both felt good afterwards!

Dinner was vegetable soup, unfortunately not homemade, but a Covent Garden one, with 2 slices of granary bread.

Drinks have been 1 bottle of lucozade sport for the energy value and 2 pints of water! Going to have some fruit in a minute as well.

I have just ordered a couple of pairs of jeans to replace my now very baggy ones! I hope they fit when they arrive lol

Oh and I weighed in this morning and have lost another 21/2 lbs

So here I am, into another month of my healthy eating and exercise plan.

Breakfast was porridge with banana and a cup of tea.

Lunch was philadelpia cheese spread with cucumber sandwiches, with melon and grapes and a cup of tea.

Drank a pint of water at work and another one at home.

Dinner was macaroni cheese, a cop out, due to the fact I hadn't planned anything or defrosted any meat!

Our March target to to go on the exercise bike and do at least 12k each day, although I won't be doing this on days that I go to the gym as I believe that variety is a good idea as well! I did do my 12k today though!

Hope you all had a good day x